Andrew's futon, christened early on as the "couch of love", had only been unloaded from the back of his parents' van six hours earlier when he and I took it on its maiden voyage across the fabled Seas of Booyah. Half-packed boxes and small monuments of 3M adhesive packaging littered the room, the air heavy with the smell of axe and doritos and love. This was the night of my week one hookup, and even after two years have passed, it remains one of my most treasured Olaf memories.
Every time I see an x-box, I have an immediate,vivid flashback of his ill-conceived notion to playfully handcuff me with his roommate's controller chord (to this day the poor soul thinks the kinks in the wiring are damages incurred while moving in, completely unaware that their malfunctions are small testaments to Andrew's sexual creativity). And each time I see a smushed slice of pizza I recall with bittersweet nostalgia the feeling of pepperoni stuck to my thigh after our overzealous explorations took us onto the floor and amidst leftover Domino's boxes. Even his neighbor walking in on us and taking a picture of me with my ankles hooked around Andrew's neck couldn't ruin the experience for me. Without these minute misadventures, the night would have been less magical, and certainly less memorable.
People will tell you that hooking-up early in the semester is inadvisable; is a waste of time, or is even dangerous. Those people are shitheads. They probably either came to school still tied to an ill-fated high school relationship, or were too shy or unattractive to hope to get any action early on in their college career. Week one hook-ups and even hook-ups within the first month or two of school are in fact a great way to establish yourself on campus and restore your sense of equilibrium: you come to school feeling unsure of yourself, slightly displaced, and maybe even lonely. What better way to make you feel attractive, fun, and welcome than to find someone to whom you're able to latch on and bury them between your thighs as quickly as possible?
In fact, I had such a great early-bird hook-up experience my first year, I've tried to have one every proceeding year with the incoming newbies. True, their love-making abilities are less than record-shattering, but in a way that has its own appeal: they're adorably inept, and with my skills getting better by the weekend, I end up seeming to them like some goddess of capability and expertise. Popularity, thy name is first year men within the first two months of school.
If, dear reader, you are considering pursuing an early-bird hook-up, here are some basic commandments:
1. Thou shalt always be well-groomed and hygienically accommodating. Odds are, the person/people with whom you become involved early on will talk to their friends/roommates about it, and the sexual reputation will follow you the rest of your college career. Unless you want to be known as Sascrotch, try to trim the hedges and find some pleasant-smelling moisturizing lotion to make your skin smooth and enjoyable to smell/taste. If you have advanced notice, get your hands on some citrus-flavored exfoliant (Burt's Bees Orange Exfolliating Scrub is particularly good,) put it on a warm damp washcloth, and clean your unmentionables vigorously within a few hours of the date.
2. Thou shalt be unapologetic and fun. Whether alcohol is involved or not, be confident in your decision and this confidence will be contagious. As stated above, your behavior during early-bird hook-ups will probably get back to every person who will ever date you at Olaf. If you are confident, fun, and enthusiastic rather than sullen, unsure, and self-conscious, this will help you in the future.
3. Thou shalt not be inconsiderate to your roommate by sexiling them the first night. If you must have your early-bird hook-up within the first week, find a creative way to do it where either the timing or the location does not alienate your roomie. Odds are they need a place to do the similar deed, and you will create great enmity if you leave them homeless before they know you well enough to like you or be proud of your own success.
4. If you are a girl, thou shalt not talk to the person again for at least a few days. If you are a guy, thou shalt call her the next morning to see if she wants to have breakfast.
As for the rest, I leave that to you readers to figure out the details. I for one think you should never pursue a relationship with your first-semester hook-ups: neither of you know what you want, but both of you are looking for a way to fit in and adjust. Maybe you met at the ice cream social and had a similar major or had heard of each other's hometown before. While these are completely adequate reasons for engaging in risky behavior, this does not a relationship make. If you commit yourself to the first person who puts out, you'll be kicking yourself when you sit next to a jaw-droppingly attractive person in your first class who heard you've got a hot, well-kept (citrus-smelling) body and is hoping you'll come over and "watch a movie".
So what are you waiting for? Put on your lucky underwear and your extrovert socks and make your first impression at Olaf a good one!
---Dominique
People will tell you that hooking-up early in the semester is inadvisable; is a waste of time, or is even dangerous. Those people are shitheads. They probably either came to school still tied to an ill-fated high school relationship, or were too shy or unattractive to hope to get any action early on in their college career. Week one hook-ups and even hook-ups within the first month or two of school are in fact a great way to establish yourself on campus and restore your sense of equilibrium: you come to school feeling unsure of yourself, slightly displaced, and maybe even lonely. What better way to make you feel attractive, fun, and welcome than to find someone to whom you're able to latch on and bury them between your thighs as quickly as possible?
In fact, I had such a great early-bird hook-up experience my first year, I've tried to have one every proceeding year with the incoming newbies. True, their love-making abilities are less than record-shattering, but in a way that has its own appeal: they're adorably inept, and with my skills getting better by the weekend, I end up seeming to them like some goddess of capability and expertise. Popularity, thy name is first year men within the first two months of school.
If, dear reader, you are considering pursuing an early-bird hook-up, here are some basic commandments:
1. Thou shalt always be well-groomed and hygienically accommodating. Odds are, the person/people with whom you become involved early on will talk to their friends/roommates about it, and the sexual reputation will follow you the rest of your college career. Unless you want to be known as Sascrotch, try to trim the hedges and find some pleasant-smelling moisturizing lotion to make your skin smooth and enjoyable to smell/taste. If you have advanced notice, get your hands on some citrus-flavored exfoliant (Burt's Bees Orange Exfolliating Scrub is particularly good,) put it on a warm damp washcloth, and clean your unmentionables vigorously within a few hours of the date.
2. Thou shalt be unapologetic and fun. Whether alcohol is involved or not, be confident in your decision and this confidence will be contagious. As stated above, your behavior during early-bird hook-ups will probably get back to every person who will ever date you at Olaf. If you are confident, fun, and enthusiastic rather than sullen, unsure, and self-conscious, this will help you in the future.
3. Thou shalt not be inconsiderate to your roommate by sexiling them the first night. If you must have your early-bird hook-up within the first week, find a creative way to do it where either the timing or the location does not alienate your roomie. Odds are they need a place to do the similar deed, and you will create great enmity if you leave them homeless before they know you well enough to like you or be proud of your own success.
4. If you are a girl, thou shalt not talk to the person again for at least a few days. If you are a guy, thou shalt call her the next morning to see if she wants to have breakfast.
As for the rest, I leave that to you readers to figure out the details. I for one think you should never pursue a relationship with your first-semester hook-ups: neither of you know what you want, but both of you are looking for a way to fit in and adjust. Maybe you met at the ice cream social and had a similar major or had heard of each other's hometown before. While these are completely adequate reasons for engaging in risky behavior, this does not a relationship make. If you commit yourself to the first person who puts out, you'll be kicking yourself when you sit next to a jaw-droppingly attractive person in your first class who heard you've got a hot, well-kept (citrus-smelling) body and is hoping you'll come over and "watch a movie".
So what are you waiting for? Put on your lucky underwear and your extrovert socks and make your first impression at Olaf a good one!
---Dominique
No comments:
Post a Comment