"Second, I want to respond to Troy's question in Under the Covers. I remember a condom dispenser in the 2nd floor utility room of Ellingson. Also, there is always a fishbowl full in the nurse's office. And better JC's than Troy's friend have been known to provide a large, opaque bowl full of condoms and candy, so residents may help themselves while being discrete, since no one knows which they are grabbing. Bravo to those JC's; there should be a cookie jar of condoms and candy at the front desk of every dorm."
"Hello Troy - I know the location of condom machines in two dorms:
Mohn - In the Laundry room in the hallway next to room 106 Ytterboe - Again in the laundry room across from Pod 169 Although, there are a few sources for condoms (free ones at that) that you did not mention in your article. The Wellness Center always has condoms free for the taking and is open 5 days a week. I know that this would mean planning ahead, but the wellness center offers accessibility to condoms later than the bookstore on some nights. Also, the Gender and sexuality Center (GSC) in the Thompson house is often open during evenings and has a small supply of condoms - you can learn more about them at www.stolaf.edu/orgs/gsc."
"I would like to point out that students can also receive FREE condoms from Students for Reproductive Health. Also: Buntrock doesn't have a condom machine because one of the offices near the post office has a basket of free condoms on their front desk. FREE! Stock up, my friends! The only drawback to this option is that they only have one style: LifeStyles "ultra lubricated." Kittelsby hall, which I lived in last year, has a machine in the utility room on the north(?) side of the building (farthest from Hilleboe). Mellby Hall (where I currently live) has a machine located in the basement. It can be found in the dryer portion of the laundry room. As far as I know, all the res hall machines stock the same brand in three different styles. I believe that those styles are regular, studded and slim fit (you might want to verify that). Happy sex!"
Anyway, on to the new topic, which has nothing to do with condoms. In fact, you could call the topic the opposite of condoms, insomuch as this deals with activities that cannot by any means get you pregnant. Yes, I'm talking about everyone's favorite ridiculous word: dildos.
This may shock and amaze my readers, but I have never owned a full-out dildo. That is, while I am completely supportive of sexual health and recreational enjoyment thereof, my preferences have always been on the discreet but oh-so-intensely-effective clitoral stimulation side of sex toys, and never have I owned a device designed for penetration.
"Never" was, however, until a few weeks ago, when some girlfriends discovered this and in their crazed disgust and emphatic outrage at this knowledge, purchased me a "Clone-A-Willy" kit.
The CAWK, as I'll call it from here on in, seemed pretty simple: cut the tube to size, mix and fill it with a gunky substance, insert an erect penis into the tube, hold said tube and erect penis perfectly still for two minutes, and then remove penis (pop!) and pour the rubber mixture you've been meanwhile concockting into the newly-created tunnel-o'love that's in your tube of plaster. Insert vibrator into the center and allow the whole thing to harden for 24 hours. At the end of the 24 hours, turn tube upside down and out comes a lovely vibrating dildo!
Simple, right?
Well, first, I needed a penis. (If I had a dollar for every time I said THAT sentence..phew!) Seeing as I didn't HAVE a dildo to use as an original, I did the next best thing: sat down my guy friends and asked them who most wanted their penis immortalized. Surprisingly, none of them were too keen on the idea, especially when I told them the pictures would probably be posted online. Curious!
So, I did the next next best thing, asked my girlfriend (who I know to be a hygienic and considerate individual) to lend me HER favorite toy. Lend it she did, and after thorough sanitizing, I was ready to put my CAWK to use.
Now, ladies and gents, I followed the instructions precisely, and since it was pretty humid while my penis was drying (man, I love typing that pronoun next to that noun! I see what Freud was talking about!) I even let it sit for a full 48 hours, just to be safe. Those last few hours were tantalizing- I kept peaking at my shelf, half-expecting to see it jumping up and down, begging to be released and put to use. (Thankfully, my roomie was visiting her boyfriend in Chicago for the weekend so Willy and I had the room to ourselves.)
Finally, the moment came. I squeezed the tube a little bit, shimmied it upwards, and there it was, in all of his wonderful, glistening glory. I decided then and there to name him Excalibur- he seemed so proud, so confident, and peculiarly, so British.
Anyways, I was supposed to let that sit for an additional 24 hours or so, so I did. At the end of the 24 hours, however, I noticed that Excalibur was still feeling slightly tacky to the touch, so I decided to extend that to 48 hours.
What did I find at the end of the 48 hours, you ask? A big dribbly pile of disgusting formerly-shaped-as-a-penis rubber guck. Excalibur, rather than hardening like any self-respecting penis-shaped thing would do, slowly went from unsure, to flacid, to limp, to droopy, to dribbly, and finally, TO PLASMA.
What the fuck?! It seriously looked like the cheap gag-vomit you buy at random chotcky shops except without random chunks in it to give it personality. The worst part was, the vibrator was still standing tall, making it look like it had really just folded over and admit defeat.I kept Excalibur for a few days for posterity's sake to see if at least it would harden in THAT shape, but turns out this CAWK was destined for constant softness. Even after the air was completely unhumid, this proved to be the little penis that couldn't. I can't say I've ever been quite so disappointed by a penile thing in my life, and coming from me, that's saying a LOT. Frankly, I feel like this is an insult against me: if a freaking dildo can't keep it up for me, that has to be a bad omen. I have never heard of dildo impotence before, but it apparently exists all the same.
It was with a sad heart and sticky hands that I introduced Excalibur to his final resting place; the trash can in the hall. I can only hope the bag breaks and the janitors have a good laugh, because maybe that would vindicate his puny, disappointing existence in some way. If not, may my story serve as a lesson to all those that purchase "Clone A (whatever it is you want to duplicate) Kits": don't do it. Even if it seems easier or safer than the real thing, at least you can count on the real thing not melting in half in high humidity.
Yours in sexploration,
Dominique
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